look me in the eye and promise no loves like our love......

i'm realizing i'm better off without her.... i've been listening to this song pretty much non stop.... it helps a lot.

I wrote her an email.... ending with i hope that she chokes.... Wish is the fucking least she deserves......


Theres this person on AIM that keeps IMing me, and i have no clue who they are....its pretty freaking, considering how many crazy exs derrick and i have between us.... *shrugs*




this isnt much of a video.... but its the only one i could get coding to...so listen to it.....

wow...yeah i dropped off the grid again...

im sorry to any of you who actually give a shit!

nic i miss you :(. i've been so busy the past couple months and i still have your package sitting on my chair... but it will get out i swear!


can anyone tell me what happened to leesa??? she commented on my last entry and now her diary is gone :(

i'm posting it here first because only one person on this long long list can read it here... while about 4 can read it over on bloop...its long, im sorry


this entry is a long .....LONG... time coming. I've been withdrawn and pissed off and upset for far too long, and thats not right. I have a beautiful son, a loving fiance (most of the time anyway) and i SHOULD be happy. Derrick said to me in the car the other day,"im not gonna pull what your family did" and i asked what was that... and he said "having kids with huge age gaps" and i kind of just looked at him... and he said 3 kids... maybe 4, and i got so happy... because before adrian was born/right after adrian was born, i got "maybe we'll have another, in 10 years..." and now he says he doesnt want to wait that long. *squee*....

but anyways. i should be happy and im not. Why is that, you may ask yourself.... because of the "friends" i have in my life. I agree with kiki (who isnt here anymore, and that makes me sad) when she said to me "friends should come with the quotations in the dictionary". You know whats sad, i've had one person since i got pregnant.... ONE person who was there for me, sure i had all the bloop mommies, but 90% of us didnt talk outside of this site. i had one person that i went through A LOT with. She was the only one who called when i was in the hospital with adrian, no one even texted to get the number or anything (not even my so called "best friend"). We've had some seriously major fights, but i love her to death, and id do anything for her and her little boy,thats why when i stop being a broke bitch and actually do get married, i'm flying them both down here and she will be my maid of honor. We didnt talk for a year, we've been pissed off over other friends (those ppl dont seem to important now....) and she knows im sorry, and yet, after a year of not talking, i come back and say i love her and im sorry, and we are ok again. You know who you are, and i've been pulling away again, and its NOT your fault and its nothing YOU'VE done. i just have a lot of shit going on right now, and hopefully it will all come out in this entry... i just wanted you to know that i love you, and i wanted to say thank you for no matter what, always being there for me... you're like my sister, and id do anything for you.


the things im going to say, are how i feel. Maybe a little bit harsher than i would say them... but you know what:
1) im done caring about ppl who OBVIOUSLY dont care about me
2) im tired as fuck


so here goes, if you're name is on this list, you've been on my mind... not all in bad ways... but i need to get shit out.

Blake
Frank
Jenn
My sister
My mom
Trevor
Rejo
Mindy
Lesley
Nic
Missy
Derrick
Mark


yea its a long list, and this is going to be a long entry, if you dont like it, you can leave now :-D

Blake we've known each other since like...may? the lone non crazy person from craigslist... i've met quite a few crazy ones. You're beautiful. Hands down... simply beautiful. Not just the way you look, but your inner person. I'm not going to lie, i had a crush on you for a long time, because i thought you were such a good guy, but the more i see that you arent, the more it faded. My feelings for you have become non exsistant, outside of the friendship relm. You are sweet, you look good on paper, but when you are off that paper, you are a huge jerk. I'm tired of being there for you when shit hits the fan, but when i ask you to be, you are "too busy". Who was there when gina decided her fat head friends were more important than you? ME. who was there the nights you cried alone? ME. Who was there to drag you out of the house when you were in a big pool of depression... ME. wow, you're friends took you out once and got you drunk... and thats it. Do they listen when you talk? no. Why didnt you go cry to them when ugly whore dumped you? because they dont care... because no matter how much i despised gina, i was supportive when you said you missed her, iw as supportive when i said "if you think you can be friends, go for it" i was fucking supportive when you wanted to go back out with her. only to find out that you were a liar. "we've only been together for 6 months... its not serious, she knows that , i know that" was what i was told... I was tipped off by how upset he was when they broke up. i was angry when he said "i thought id be with her forever" and i was livid when i saw in ginas diary that they had been together for over a year and a half. Why am i angry? because you lied to me. everythin you said "its not serious..." all the flirtyness you threw at me the first couple times we talked...A FUCKING LIE. alls you wanted was to get in my pants, and when i showed you iw asnt moving from derrick then it turned into "OMG GINA!". even after that i moved on in this friendship... because you dont even know that i know about that... or just how angry i was over that... but now, you dont talk to me anymore. I text you dont answer, i IM, you dont answer.... if i did something wrong... then i did something wrong, but man up and tell me...and dont fucking ignore me.

Frank thank you. Thank you for being the only person i chose to talk to through this whole thing. I chose you because you are unbiased, because the crap that im going through, has nothing to do with you, and i can talk to you and not worry about things getting around to other ppl, or you getting mad because one of them is your friend. You are always super sweet to me. One of the reasons i left last night is because i was down, and i didnt want to hear about what you were talking about with your ex. i didnt want to be rude and ask you to stop, so i left, it made me uncomfortable. I'm still holding out that you arent like every other guy out there... please dont prove me wrong.

Jenn the greatest piece of work i've ever met.... and thats not in a good way. I've known you for 7 years? since TOD was still up and running. i remember i messaged you to use your poohbear on my page, and thats how our friendship started. I was there through matthew... who we both know was HORRIBLY wrong for you....fuckin asshole. I was there through ALL of it with chris. I was there when you got pregnant, and you were there when i got pregnant. I stuck around when chris was treating you like shit, and alls i did was get shit on because "you loooooooooved him", and in the end, after all the mental/physical you chose HIM. you dumped our friendship because i refused to sit back and be like everyone else with their thumbs up their asses telling you ITS OK HONEY IF YOU LOVE HIM!.... because i cared about you, i got left behind. then we became friends again... and you started shit all over again... I remember standing outside borders, talking to missy on the phone about the night you texted me and said you wanted bretts pictures back and you had thrown adrians away...i remember how much i just wanted you to dissapear. and you did, for a little while..and you came back... and we talked again, but you were same old jenn. Always complained about problems...always complained you had no one to talk to... but i was always here... but when i try to talk to you, you dont listen. You blow me off "i'll be right back" and then not come back... "oh i was talking to jonathan" "oh sara and i went out".... glad you have friends, but dont forget about this one, who even though she lives in a different state, is still your friend. lastly... it really annoys me that you call other ppl bad parents, because ironicly (sp?) enough... i think you are one... i seriously seriously do. You say "moms are a loud to go out and have a little fun"... sure they are! i go to the movies sometimes,or out to dinner sometimes,amd if my ass could afford a concert, i would go. Notice something i said though... SOMETIMES. There are tons of movies that came out that i wanted to see... i havent gone, because i have a responsibility,my son. You are a single mom,and you work a full time job, and i get that, and im so proud of you for that, because you came out of the chris situation with guns blazing and you havent stopped with the working since then, but every entry i read it says "sarah and i went here" or... "jonathan and i went here..." "i was at jonathans watching tv" and i dont see ONE mention of brett. Yes its fun to get out once in a while, moms deserve time out! BUT 5 days out of 7? your son needs you. if my son had an illness i would spend every single second wit him that i could...FUCK, my son doesnt have an illness and i spend every single second with him that i can. im not saying you dont love brett... cause i know you do, i'm saying you should look how your mothering skills and re-evaluate them... because it seems like hanging out with jonathan is a higher priority. Speaking of which.... heres a simple solution to your problems with him, (which im tired of hearing about) KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS. you keep it in your pants, he keeps it in his, and when you say FRIENDS... mean it, and i can garuntee you that it wont be so hard. Hard? yes... but not as hard as you are making it out to be. 7 years of friendship down the pisser... but at least i spoke my mind.. and god damn i feel better.


My sister how is it that you do NOTHING and get everything? how is it that you mooch off others and you get EVERYTHING you want, but i dont mooch, and i have nothing. I dont owe anyone money... i dont steal things and pawn them to get more money (moms camera?), i dont open my legs to get what i want from ppl, and magically you do all that shit and you have the fiance getting married next year, you have the "house' you want, and here i am... engaged for almost 3 years... living with my parents, because no matter how hard we work, we are STILL stuck here, because we refuse to be scum like you and mooch off of everyone. I dont talk to you anymore because the site of you makes me angry. You waltz in this house with marc and act like you have the greatest relationship EVER. does he have any idea WHO you are? if he did, i dont think he'd be with you. If he knew what a selfish, self centered gold digging BITCH you are.... how much of a compulsive LIAR you are... i think he would head for the hills,but you wont tell him... and neither will i,because alls i need is to be more of the black sheep in this family. I'm the kid that no one wanted. Theres the boys... dads perfect boys... who mom got with him as a package deal when they met...and they became perfect to her too. and then her REAL first born... who nomatter what she does... isnt wrong,but im wrong. i'm ALWAYS wrong. i've always gotten blamed when you fucked up. I fucking defended you , i've lied for you, i've held stuff in FOR YOU, and you are still a good for nothing WHORE to me. My entire life, alls i wanted was a sister that i could go to. that i could confide in, that i could fucking talk to about anything and everything... yeah you're 6 years older than me, and when you were 18 it wasnt cool to be seen with a 12 year old... or when you're 28 its not cool to hang out with a 22 year old... but i've always wanted and needed your help..someone to talk to... but you treat me like shit, and you manipulate everyone around me to make them think that im the bad one....


Mom we have a love hate relationship. I love you for the good times... when you're nice to me, when you talk to me... when you treat me like im a human. I love you for being there for me when i had adrian, i love you for taking care of us when i couldnt get off the couch because the pain was so bad. I love you for taking me to drs appts, and being my coach in cheerleading. On paper you look great. A mom who works 40 hours a week, to support her family (even though dad takes most of your money and his as well), you have 4 kids, who are all productive members of society, who all have given you grandkids whom you adore. You sound like you belong with the 2.5 kids the dog and the picket fence... but not to many ppl know your dark side. THe side of you i see when i compare myself to my sister. the side of you i see when i say we arent equals. The part of you i see, when i ask for even half of what she has, and i get turned down and told im worthless. The nights i hung out with ryan, and you FOLLOWED me. i was 18 and you FOLLOWED me. the night i hung out with matt, and you dragged me inside by my fucking hair... i lost a lot of friends because of your crazyness. I almost lost my baby because of our crazyness. I remember when i was cornered because i said i wanted to get a way for a while. i remember i had to SNEAK away to get out of here (which i know now, wasnt a good idea...he wasnt worth my time, and he ruined my relationship with derrick). When i got back, you were so nice. You didnt follow me anymor when i wanted to go out, you didnt do SHIT to me. After adrian was born, i started noticing the huge differances between becky and i... and how much it hurts that you are willing to give up everything you have for her.... but nothing for me...

Trevor yours is short and simple... i love you, but this friendship is killing me. i dont talk to you for months at a time... and i miss you... i dont know where this will end up, but hopefully i can keep what little friendship we have...

Rejo its been a week since we said good bye... and i've thought about you quite a bit since then... i miss you a lot, and i wish we could go back in time and fix eveything that went wrong between us. you will always be in my heart... and i love you.

Mindy i think i look at you journal once a week... and as far as i know you havent found mine... i need to stop doing this, because when i see your face, it brings back all the rage i had 3 years ago.. and i just want to punch you. We had a great friendship while it lasted, but i need to get past the past, and leave you in it.

Lesley the bane of my exsistance. I burn, I pine, I perish..... i think about you WAY more often than i should. I miss your kisses, i miss your lips, i miss your arms, your hair.. the way you smell. I miss the way we held hands at the movies, i miss the cuddling, i miss the being close, my arms around you out in public and not caring who saw me. i remember our kisses goodnight, and our bullshitting about everything. I miss the way that when i was upset, 5 seconds with you would make me on cloud 9... i miss holding you and saying "I love you"... i miss YOU. you were such a huge part of me and who i was....am... im not sure. you killed me... both times via email... you plunged that knife in my heart.... over and over and over again, and didnt think fucking twice. you hurt me so bad, and i know i shouldnt even give you another thought... but i dream about you, i think about you EVERY day and wonder what you're doing... I love you,and i always will... and you just dont get it.

Nic i wanna thank you for always being there for me. For being my shoulder during the whole lesley ordeal... and just being such a great person and a great friend. i know i dont talk much *i dont talk to anyone much* but you are such a great person, and i really do love ya, and i really do appriceate the friendship you've given me.

Missy i havented talked to you in almost 2 years, but i still think about you. You took my world and put a new spin on it. I lost a best friend when i started talking to you(which i really do regret). We were so different...yet so alike. Ppl thought we were sisters. You and i were in totally different worlds, but were the same fucking person. i so wanted you here for adrians birthday, and it sucks that your car didnt last long enough to get here. I was happy when you got pregnant with daevon, because then we could do baby/kids stuff together. My heart was with you when you lost your little boy. I know you never came back from that... i know you lost your bf, and little T... i know you started hanging around with a bad crowd... and you became someone i didnt know anymore.. someone who didnt give a shit about anyone but herself. i do miss the friendship we had miss... and i miss you, and i hope where ever you are, that you are happy with whom ever you have become.

DerrickNow this one isnt bad either, because i plan on letting you read this one. Its been almost 4 fucking years... 4 long years lol. Who would have thought a chance meeting in philly chat at midnight would have turned into what we have. I remember talking to you for 5 hours that night. i remember the week after that meeting you, and you being late by an hour lol. I remember almost leaving, and then you popped up outta nowhere, and the rest is history isnt it? We' ve been through everything. We've been heartbroken, we've broken up... we have a beautiful little boy, we've had ppl die and ppl born and we've been through it together. You are my rock, and i dont know how i would have gotten through anything without you. After failed relationships i swore i would never get my whole heart to one person...but that didnt happen.. you have my heart, you ARE my heart. we fight, sure.. who doesnt? but in the end i love you with every fucking breath i take. I remember 3 years ago, on my birthday.. thats a day i will never forget. That is the day i fucked up horribly. That is the day my heart shattered and i let everyone else in my life take over. If i could go back in time and take that back... i would. I would erase it from history. That day still kills me because i know i hurt you, and i never ment to do that. I was stupid and naive, and i dont ever want to lose you again. I rememebr the day i left for mindys, and i told you at 6 am that i was pregnant. I remember your face... i remember you being happy, scared, but happy. i remember you saying bye that morning before i left, and putting your hands on my stomach... i remember coming home and us going to the carnival... i remember how happy you were about that little baby. Now hes here... hes our smart assed little boy, who no matter who says otherwise, i think looks just like you. I see more of you in him everyday. Hes our little heartbreaker, and he loves you so much. I know you feel like you're not a good dad sometimes, and i know it makes you cry that you missed out on stuff, but he loves you, so so so much. His eyes light up when he sees you, he cries at night when you arent here... he needs you just as much as i do. I need you babe, i've always needed you, and i will always need you. We yell, we say things we dont mean, but in the end you have my heart. i cant wait til we move out, i cant wait til we get married and expand our family, i love you with every inch of my soul and i've said it before, and i'll say it again...there is no me without you, the both of you are the reason i get up and go to bed every single day... we've made it through almost 4 years of a "long distance" relationship... its been hard... fuck it still is hard... but i love you more and more every day and i wouldnt give up any of the hard days because they are getting us to the better days, where we dont have to live 40 minutes apart anymore... I love you derf <3




Marki fucked up my family to go see you. i've fucked up my entire life to have you in it. You are finally out of it... i still care about you, i'll still think about you, but you arent allowed in my life anymore... im not letting you hurt me ever again....

The following ppl have been cut:
*a few of you i do love to pieces...and thanks for being there for me when i needed ppl*

:A few of you i have nothing in common with, a few of you have entries that bore me (i'm sure mine do that same to you), i have A LOT of ppl that dont comment (i'm not a comment whore,but one would be nice), one of you has too much drama going on, 2 of you i think are fake (as in the stuff you claim on your LJ isnt true...not that you are fake in emotion or anything), and some of you never update.... oooo and becky i deleted yours because i have your other one on here :D,you are welcome to fight amongst yourself and figure out who is who on this list....:
justapaperbook,__simply_unique,iniquit0us,candygirl6484,emobredromance,forbiddenpluto,iludb713,mamaof3,matarick,seduction_87,sugahi85,sxyprincess18,twizted_chylde,underwear_slave



Following ppl,please take me off your list!!!
af_kiss_x0,alch3my0fm1nd,auburok,cbylov,drucyla,essenceofthemus,fadingaway81,halfheartedness,jennaxbeatdown,
kampomissy,kittycatqueen,ms_prefix,noctra_corvus,obscenelesbo,onelife1chance,prcs_deathsmile,righteous_betty,rikkicarey,sarahbear0333,twistingly,vaxick,wretchedness,xonly_sin_deepx,yaussie,smashyoursymbol

this entry is open to the PUBLIC. this is my blanket making site!!!!


please go and look around!!!! maybe even buy something!!! and if you cant buy, please just pass this along!!!!


thank you so much


PS... anyone know of any work at home mommy communities were i can plug my site at? thanks so much!

Stolen from lesley who stole it from joe bob fred and herman lol

Tell me a deep dark sexual secret about yourself. Screening is off, IP is off...no one will know. (Be sure to post anonymously!) Only rules are it has to be about YOU and it has to be sexually related.

Don't use this as an opportunity to bad mouth me! LOL If you want to do that, then please by all means tell me to my face

I got bored, found this on a friends page so i figured i would fill this out.... read if you want, maybe we have things in common???


( 101 loves and 101 hates its long lol )

i was watching some videos this morning. one from the BBC and one taken out of george carlins latest stand up show. NOW...i have to ask you all your opinion...




as far as 9-11 goes....do you think that it was all that bush/everyone else says it is, 19 alkaida members organized this shit, and crashed planes into buildings?


or do you think it was the US government? and they used the the arabs as cover up?.....


i've been thinking about this A LOT lately..and this just further fueled my brain....let me know what you think


thanks in advance guys

today is my 21st birthday, it will be over in 90 minutes


thanks to everyone who wished me a happy one.

cant ONE person be supportive???



no, im gonna rephrase that, cause i know at least LEAH is supportive....maybe even ashleigh.......


cant my best friend of 2 fucking years BE FUCKING SUPPORTIVE.


i had a talk this morning with my sister. she said she would fund my tattoo i've been wanting since i found out i was pregnant with adrian, i think leah has beenthe only one to see it, cause thats how i met her in the tattoo community


its baby blocks, red and blue, my friend ian drew it for me and i absolutly am in love with it.


i tell missy my sister said she would take me down to marks, a place SHE trusts, has gotten tattoos from, HELL even my friend trevor (that i've known for 8 years) told me to go to marks, cause they do amazing work!.

come june 16th im gettig my tattoo on my arm, and maybe even squeezing a madison piercing out of her (doubt anyone outside of leah knows what that is), because i've wanted one since '04 when i went to see mark, and i almost got it done at the wiccan pride festival up there. i want to get it done....so im gonna see if i can squeeze it outta my sister along with my tattoo.



first person i run to to tell her how excited i am, is missy. shes been my best friend for 2 years, i love her with all my heart, thinking she would be like "thats awesome! i know how bad you've wanted your tat done for so long, thats great'...no...she says

"what if it gets infected?"
"what if you get HIV from the needles"
"what if you dont like it after its done"
"what if you think its dumb and cover it up, or get it removed?"


....then i tell her that i wanna see if i can squeeze a madison out of my sister as well, she askes me "whats that", i showed her a picture of leah's and shes like

"thats not natural"
"thats so freaking dumb"
"what happens when it gets ripped out"
"or infected"
"why would you wwant to do that, so ppl can stare at you?"


......anyone who has a tattoo knows that if you put time and thought into it, it wont be regreted. its not like im some teenager on spring break getting tribal across her lower back, to "remember my spring break by" like 90% of ppl today. im getting my SONS name on my arm, because i plan to do it with ALL my kids, but apparently im gonna think its DUMB. if it was dumb i wouldnt have had ian draw it out, or fall in love with it once i saw my idea on paper OR have wanted it for the past 2 fucking years!......im not some dumbass who wants to get a tattoo just to say HEY IM COOL I HAVE A TATTOO!!!, no, theres fucking meaning behind it.


AS for the madison, im not getting it to please other ppl, im not getting it to attract more attention to me. ppl stare at me without tattoos and piercings, do i dress like a slut? or really weird so they do that? no...i dont. i want a piercing cause I want one. i made a comment about how often anyone would actually be able to see it. and she says "if you plan on wearing tee shirts, then why get it, no one is gonna be able to see it. .....im not getting it so other ppl can gawk at it, im getting it cause I want it. it doesnt matter if i wear a tube top and everyone sees it, or if i have a fucking sweater on it, and im the only one who knows its there. im getting it for ME, i dont care if the only ppl who ever see it are me and the dude that does it, its for ME, i know its there, there for im happy.


shes under the impression that its gonna get infected, i told her if you take care of it, its not gonna. then she starts going off about the body rejecting piercings, and when i tell her "being infected, and rejecting are 2 totally different things" she gets mad, and goes away......




just ONE person, its bad enough im not gonna have anyone there to hold my hand, i just want the one person that i share my soul with to understand and be supportive.



if you read this far in this one, theres an entry b4 it you might wanna check out too, if yo ucare to